This is most of a Twitter conversation I had with MintyBaubles this morning about what I consider overly familiar D/s terminology among people not in a negotiated relationship. It’s a pet (NPI) issue of mine.
Posted with permission.
Category Archives: D/s
Orgasm control: Our next steps
Today is day 22 since my last orgasm, which at the time triggered a three-week “sentence” of denial. This morning, we had a long conversation about keeping me in a state of ‘want’ without relying solely on denial–which is the most reliable way to keep me wanting an orgasm, but, among other concerns, can take the day-to-day control away from Jalan. Neither of us wants a situation in which she doesn’t stick to her word.
The thrust (ha!) is that orgasm control of any kind isn’t much fun for either of us unless I am aware of it as continuously as possible. And that usually is going to mean wanting to come. So we both want me to feel any deprivation or other loss of control.
Jalan told me today what we’re going to do this week and see how well it meets her goals as an ongoing plan.
In the morning, before she goes to work, she’ll write on my cock, with a Sharpie or some such. (Presumably this means I’ll start showering early, too, instead of waiting until she’s headed out.) Sometime during the day, she’ll communicate to me whether she wants the writing pristine, smudged (for example, by edging myself), or washed away by cum when she gets home. Since I’m always naked when she comes home from work, as part of our new rituals, that will also be time for inspection.
So I’ll be thinking about her control of my orgasms at least three times per day, and likely quite a few more between her leaving and her sending me the directions. And I have no assurance at all that I’ll get to come this week, until and unless I get the last of those messages.
This meets a lot of the same needs for me as “declared” denial: I know she’s actively controlling my orgasms every day, without the feeling (that neither of us likes) that there’s some default status where I get lucky if she wants me to, but it’s not necessarily on either of our minds any given day. On her side, it keeps the control right where she wants it–in her hands at all times–and keeps me keenly aware of that control and that I am at her mercy.
Then there was teasing.
State of the dragon: D/s, SM, & denial, oh my!
We played last night.
Heavier play, probably, than since 2012.
Since I’ve been sick (from early 2013), there’s been a sense of fragility, as well as a general sense of ‘survival mode.’ Even as my health has more or less stabilized, I was on anti-platelet meds for a year, until late July, so impact play wasn’t particularly safe.
The overall fragility has also left our level of D/s subdued. Jalan doesn’t want to command me to do something, only for me to “not be up to it,” or suffer for a day or three afterward due to the stress, however welcome in the moment, aggravating the CFS. That, and survival mode: what’s happening, what’s going to happen next, am I going to get better, etc, the move, her starting a job, and so on.
We’ve still been very clearly a D/s, O/p couple, but it’s been more in terms of structures, frameworks, standing rules, and so on. Jalan’s felt little room to assert herself in the moment, for reasons in the previous paragraph, and we both miss it. Play’s also been lessened, other than bondage, sometimes with sex and/or teasing.
Over recent weeks, we’ve been discussing this and what we want to do about it, both of us offering ideas, concerns, needs and wants. One of the critical things we agreed to is that the CFS won’t stop us/her. If I’m having a particularly bad day, I’ll make sure she knows. But she also knows my schedule in detail and, at any given time, what I’ll need to be in shape for in the next couple of days. And when she asserts herself, that’s it — no rebuff.
One of the other things we’ve discussed is a ritual “giving over,” especially now that she’s working most of the daytimes and we have even less opportunity for in-the-moment connection. We’ve also discussed the fact that this will likely to trigger anxiety attacks in me, at least the first few times. Her alerting me to something coming up tends to. But it’s important to me to push through that stage.
Finally, we talked a couple of weeks ago about my needing more explicit orgasm denial and/or use of the chastity belt.
Last night, Jalan acted on these things.
Spoiler: I’m fatigued today
This was an important taking back.
She ordered me to gather up certain things, including her crop and our dildo-harness gag, and to put my wrist and ankle cuffs on. Then there was, for us, fairly heavy play. I’ve got hickeys, deep scratches, bite marks, and crop marks. Her feet were well kissed, and her toes well sucked, which we (mostly she) are just recently getting into. There were some new things, including a bit of something like four-legged pony, which we’d not discussed or explored before. Not carrying her anywhere–that would be beyond me–but her straddling my back and using the crop while I’m on all fours. There was gag-harness sex aplenty.
Then she had me fetch the big spreader bars and the mindfold for a new “game.” I was spread-eagled with the spreaders anchored to the bed. She would stroke me. If I came within an hour (this is after a week of denial and teasing, mind), there would be another two weeks of denial. What would happen if I “won” was left unstated.
So we talked while she masturbated me. We discussed my strategy. We discussed my disadvantage (one of many) in not being able to see a clock. We discussed whether I would play to win or play to lose, and some of the contingencies involved. We talked about what winning might involve, or what I might want it to. Then she upped the level by introducing new rules, which is always a major turn-on for me. This week is a trial of something edging past dominant/owner to disciplinarian/mistress. On her work mornings, I wake her with oral–something she loves, but I’m still cautious of (long-standing reasons). When she returns from work, she calls or texts me (timing varies) so that I can be naked, in cuffs, kneeling face on the floor, and holding out her crop. When she comes home, she is “Mistress,” (vs. “Ma’am”) until I’m released from the protocol. That last was my suggestion. Then came the silicone lube in quantity and I was a goner.
31 minutes. Oh, and meanwhile, the stakes had been raised to three weeks with plans for a regimen of teasing, not just spontaneous and occasional.
We don’t invest a lot in labels, except for the importance of “pet” to me. We use them as metaphors that carry certain symbolism to us, and may convey something reasonably accurate to most others. But whatever you call it, it’s deepening.
This is good.
I’m highly fatigued today. And that, too, is good.
ETA: I should note for my chastity-focused readers that three weeks is a long time for us–the longest to date was 27 days. And there were no promises made about what happens at the end of those three weeks.
The autism spectrum, my kink, and me
First, to be clear. I am toward the neurotypical end of the autism spectrum. I am not autistic, nor do I believe I have Asperger’s, though I at one point as an adult began an evaluation. But I probably met criteria for AS when I was younger, even though it was not a common diagnosis at the time. I’ve compensated quite a lot (part of the subject of this post), but I still have a number of traits associated with autism spectrum disorders.
A lot of those traits still affect me adversely, but, as I said, I’ve compensated a lot. And my kink contributes to that compensation.
Some of the qualities, off of the top of my head (some more problematic than others):
- I tend to look at people’s mouths, not their eyes, when they’re speaking to me. Eye contact takes an effort of will, and not just because of cleavage.
- I frequently over-explain and/or make speeches. It’s a tic and compulsive, even if I know my audience has understood me or heard the speech before. It’s more so when I’m anxious.
- I am a very literal interpreter. This can make typos . . . interesting. My first thought is almost always to assume that what is written or said is what was intended, sometimes resulting in something quite far-fetched in my head. But it doesn’t seem far-fetched to me at first.
- My sensory processing is unusual. I frequently simply walk into things and not remember, and wonder later what the bruise is from. I hit my head on the light fixture when I go a certain direction around the table pretty much every time. It is relatively uncommon for me to notice something I see, or later remember seeing it, if it’s not relevant to me at the time I see it. My color perception is also off — it’s pretty well established that my “green” is miscalibrated (teal and aqua really don’t exist for me). On the other hand, I’m incredibly responsive to tactile stimuli (mysterious bruising aside). I’m also easily overstimulated, from any of the senses or from crowding, resulting in anxiety spikes.
- Claustrophilia. Oh, lordy, yes. Bondage isn’t just sexual for me, it’s soothing and calming, especially when I’m anxious. If it isn’t a sexual/highly interactive scene, I usually fall asleep promptly when in secure, comfy bondage. Think of Temple Grandin’s cattle crush.
- Need for structure. I’m a list-maker. I need calendars, schedules, and predictability, or my anxiety spikes.
- I have some degree of prosopagnosia / face blindness that may or may not be associated. I have a hard time recognizing someone I may have known for years if they shave, grow facial hair, or change how they wear their hair, or even go to or from glasses. Those are my cues, not the facial features.
- I consistently miss nonverbal cues. If you need me to hear something from you, it needs to be in your words.
That’s a long list, and it sounds a lot like Asperger’s. But I know the tics well enough and can usually manage them well enough — even if sometimes by absenting myself, if I can’t plan around and avoid the things that stress me — that it’s not as socially awkward as AS usually results in.
What about kink? I already mentioned bondage. If I’m having a rough day, Jalan usually offers the straitjacket. Those things are made the way they are for a reason — similar concept to swaddling a baby. Straitjacket and blindfold, especially, and I relax almost immediately.
I sleep in bondage almost every night. Sometimes the cuffs and collar aren’t locked to each other or any anchors (though more often they are), but they’re locked on and that makes me feel better. Stricter bondage might mean I have to wake Jalan partway through the night as my joints complain, or that I feel physically stiff and uncomfortable the next day, but I usually sleep especially well in moderately strict bondage.
Submission is also obvious. But it takes a certain style of dominance, one that I’ve found in Jalan. “Funishment” would not work well. Changing the rules on me midstream, without warning, would not work well. Penalizing me in any way for speaking my mind would not work well. Capricious anything does not work well. It takes absolute trust for me to feel safe in my submission. Jalan knows this, and has never done the slightest thing to make me feel anything but completely safe with her (not that that’s her style anyway).
Those are the nos. What are the yeses? Rules. Frameworks. Schedules. Limits. On the fly, we also have a speak-only-when-spoken-to protocol that she can invoke (but never as penalty). As often as not, I’m the one requesting it. We also have short-term-use protocols for “no electronics,” “do exactly and only as you’re told,” or “sit by my feet and be attentive to possible service,” and others.
Less obvious is my fashion fetish. Materials that are tactilely interesting appeal to me. Latex and spandex, especially, are turn-ons, whether I’m wearing them or seeing them and imagining touch. Soft leather, too; I’m loving the last couple of years’ worth of boot fashions! Sensation play — especially Jalan’s use of fingernails — sends me every time.
I’ve also made conscious choices in my life outside the D/s relationship that help me manage. I almost never dissemble. I’m usually tactful and diplomatic, but I don’t try to send subtle messages. I’m direct. And I deliberately assume that people I’m interacting with are likewise being genuine and honest with me unless and until there’s systematic evidence otherwise for that individual — after which, I try to avoid interacting with them at all. Yes, sometimes that is like naivete. Sometimes I’m manipulated or taken advantage of. Sometimes I’m flat-out lied to. But I’m happier this way. I’d rather have those problems than always be wondering what do they really mean by that? I’ve lived both ways. This is better for me.
I’ll close with one of my favorite quotes of all time that reflects that, from the movie Harvey:
Years ago my mother used to say to me, she’d say, “In this world, Elwood, you must be” – she always called me Elwood – “In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant.” Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me.
My personal ad
I’ve been just starting to feel the itch for the left side of the slash, so threw up a CollarMe profile. I’m posting the text here, as well, for interested folks (not necessarily as a seeking, but for my friends and readers to see how I’m going about this).
I use the label “switch” on this profile. My best, current assessment of myself is that I enjoy being dominant, and I need to be submissive. Thus, when only in one D/s relationship, it is as my wife’s submissive. I am hers, to my core.
My name, Naga di Kandang, translates from Indonesian as “Caged Dragon.” As you’d expect, it was given by my wife, and has layers of meaning for us.
That said, we are somewhere on the open/poly spectrum, depending on just how a third (or fourth, actually) person fits in with us by personality and life circumstance. I am free to meet other play and/or sexual partners, and, yes, potential submissive partners. I have not recently met the woman (not excluding a female-identified trans* individual) who flips that dominant switch in me, but I would like to.
As always (at least for me) in a multiple-relationship situation, everyone would at least know of everyone else involved and be certain that there is consent. Though, to be clear, this is my seeking, not hers. Any relationship between my submissive and my dominant would be discussed, but not necessarily be anything more than friendly acquaintanceship.
Ok, that’s the preamble. Bondage is my primary kink, but not my only. I appreciate service, including sexual service. I happen to enjoy ordering people about. I am not, however, sadistic. Another play partner might be top or bottom, dom or sub, switch or switch. A relationship partner would be sub or switch, at least open to some service topping, and accept that I do not seek a second relationship dominant.
I am educated, professional, and kind.
If it matters, we have a private home with a well-equipped dedicated playroom, and enjoy cooking for company. 🙂
Link
(I keep this blog text-only, for more tolerant workplaces — photos go on Tumblr)
My collar. Jalan placed it around my neck on December 13, 2011. It has come off only for metal detectors, medical appointments, and periodic cleaning. Only once have I had to take it off myself without prior approval (e.g., traveling alone by air), and that was when a doctor unexpectedly wanted a chest X-Ray. I had to pop the jump rings — I don’t carry a wrench for the clasp.
It hangs partly in my shirt. The Byzantine-weave chainmail (copper and aluminum) passes as conventional men’s jewelry. The ring—which is actually sold as a cock ring—is heavy enough to clear to those who know to look for such things, but otherwise just looks like odd fashion. The perfect balance for us.
Jalan took this photo while it was off for cleaning a couple of days ago. I’ve been wanting to show it off!
Some answers to the Bastard (health *and* D/s)
A D/s post at last!
The preliminary answer on the Bastard, as of yesterday morning, is Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ick).
There are clearly measurable physiological abnormalities, but not in any distinct profile and not severe enough to account for my experience. The best guess is that ramping up my exercise early in the year, combined with tons of stress and an underlying undiagnosed physical pathology, catalyzed the CFS. Better diagnostic capabilities coming available in the near future may help with the underlying condition and indirectly with the CFS.
But for the short-term future, at least, the answer to the Bastard is about management. Some of it I’ve already posted about (e.g., physical therapy to find and push the bounds of what I can tolerate). Some of it I’ve said less on — resuming regular talk therapy and probably hypnotherapy to improve my management and coping skills.
And some of it is a change in tone of Jalan’s dominance (and, thus, my submission). She’s been very careful since the beginning — and all the more sensitive since I got sick — to respect my answers: “I’m done;” “I can’t do more,” even, “I need a nap now,” etc. I’m not talking about play right now so much as life activities.
The internist yesterday (weird interpersonal style, good medical skills) told me to appoint her my “project manager” and not back down from that. We assured him that that would not be a problem for us!
But one of the things that means for Jalan is pushing herself to be more comfortable pushing me out of my comfort zone. She wants to hear less of, “I can’t,” and more of, “This is starting to be a problem in this area,” or “I feel like if I push further now, it will lead to X consequence.” Then let her take over the decision as to whether I/we continue or push in whatever we’re talking about. It’s a comfort zone issue for both of us that is rooted, in part, in some of my long-term habits of thought and personality that will, inevitably, be tough to change.
I signed on to this relationship consenting for her to shape and change me and my patterns in a way that is consistent with positive, healthy goals for me. But it’s still a sea change to push at that kind of deep-seated core issue, even if we both want it (which she and I both sincerely do).
There will be more blogging on some of the mechanisms we try and find to succeed, as well as — I hope — the return of more playful dominance that has been subdued the past few months as we get back in the swing. We have as much answer as we’re going to for now, so there is no more limbo to excuse not moving forward.
I explicitly re-affirmed my consent last night.
Still kicking! And service
I realized that I’ve let this get quiet. There’s been far more health stuff going on, and very little kink stuff, so there’s not been much bloggable.
We’re at the Mayo Clinic trying to figure out what’s going on. We’ve been here a week, and will probably be here at least another.
But one of the the things that has come out of this is a reinforcement of one our mantras: “Service comes in many forms.” One of the main services I can offer Jalan in this period is to let her help me with physical things. She needs to know she’s taking care of me to the best of her ability, and she is. Accepting that help, even when my pride might have me push through a difficulty, is a service to her, as well as to me.
Naga di Kandang: Dragon in a Cage 