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Dominance and submission

New territory (for me) in chastity

As I write, I am on Day 9 of being continuously locked in my chastity belt. Jalan has denied me orgasm for longer periods than this (though not dramatically so), but it is by far my longest time physically belted to date, and we’re both enjoying the unfolding of my reactions to it.

One of the changes that led to this is a modification in how it’s put on that makes it easier for me to stay clean. Previously, 3-4 days was the maximum before it would at least need to come off long enough for it and my bits to be cleaned, or the smell would become noticeable. Now, on Day 9, that apparently is no longer a factor. Like most developments in chastity, that is at best a mixed blessing! (Not really — as in most domains, anything that leaves the control to Jalan’s decisions rather than to outside factors is a good thing for us.)

So, new territory. One of the reasons Jalan hasn’t used the belt a lot to date is that she tends to prefer my reactions to simple ordered denial. More often than not, when I’m in the belt, my libido evaporates pretty quickly. No masturbation or orgasm becomes a fact of life, and I accommodate it. Jalan does have options such as teasing through the bars of the cage to keep my head in the game — HA! — but it’s not the same. In other forms of denial, though, it’s much more about my willingness — nay, my drive — to obey her. The fact that I’m obeying her by choice is much more salient more of the time, making it much tougher for me to comply than it is to simply endure the belt. And she sees the aim of chastity/denial as to keep me in a “near-constant state of desire.” I think of it as a difference between submission and bondage more generally. Her leaving things so I must stay in place is different than her ordering me to stay in place. They push different buttons in me.

And Jalan is all about knowing how to push my buttons.

This time is different, though, as the days wear on. As I wrote in my required journal on Saturday:

Since I’ve now been belted for 7 full days, with no reason to expect that  to end anytime soon, the asexual period is passing and I’m now going into full futile-guesswork overdrive.

She laughed.

And it’s true — my feeling of restriction is growing as the days go on, rather than accommodating.

I read a lot of writing by the long-term male-chastity crowd, both wearers and keyholders. We’re not that, and I don’t expect (or particularly want) us to ever be. Among other reasons, she wants me always on the edge of thinking/hoping that this might be the day I get to come.Both denial and the belt are parts of her repertoire.

One of the key parts of our D/s is that she likes/needs to know what reactions different tactics draw from me, so that she can, well, play me like a fiddle.

It works well for us.

 

 
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Posted by on February 18, 2013 in Chastity and denial

 

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Mundane intrusion and keeping a routine together

I mentioned in the weekly update, as well as at several points in last week’s sex blog, that things had been atypical. Our circumstances day to day have not been terribly predictable and we’ve been exhausted. Things will be ok, but it’s been a challenging week — not least for the issues of routine.

The disruption started early Tuesday, and is ongoing. The point now is that by Saturday night, it was getting rough for me. We have not had our routines and rituals, or even much time and opportunity to be close and touch and talk. By the end of Day 5 of this, it was difficult, and I was starting to make bad decisions for myself (not, I hasten to add, relationship decisions).

Sunday morning, I struck a blow for normalcy by working on a detailed to-do list for myself that I shared with Jalan. She rarely responds to these explicitly, but making lists is a way I self-soothe, and she respects that. The process of my list-making and sharing is important for me, and it serves as a barometer for her on how I’m functioning. That was the beginning of restoring routine. Related, many of the rules and procedures I’m under in our relationship are on a Sunday-Saturday cycle. By “re-setting” on Sunday morning, I was able to grasp for some of the structure I needed.

One of the other things I did yesterday was work on our website. I maintain a private site for us that organizes some of the principles, rules, requirements, restrictions, etc. of our D/s. It also incorporates some logs I keep. We used to do this on Google Docs, but it got to be either many documents or well over 20 pages, so the hypertext provides some benefits. One of my procedures at times is to go over the documents and see if anything needs an update — either because it no longer reflects her and our priorities, or is not serving our needs well, or is less applicable due to other changes (such as sections that were relevant when we lived apart before we were married). I also have a section of draft rules. A large fraction of the rules are written by me, whether Jalan originally suggested them or I did — partly because I have the more legalistic mind. I look for loopholes, then suggest ways to close them :).

In any case, this was more of the self-soothing. Whenever she looks at them is fine, but the process of organization helps me.

Thing are still challenging today, but I’m feeling more on my game and better able to do things that meet both her needs and mine.

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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The meaning of having control (NSFW text)

With respect to the latest round of chastity, among other domains, Jalan has  realized she sometimes prefers being able to operate in such areas on her whim, versus locking herself  (NPI) into a plan. I need both structure and surprises, so this works for me. I.e., if she set a 10-day denial, and were to change her mind on day 3, that would not work for me mentally. Making herself wait until day 10 may be undesirable for her.

So by just locking the belt when she feels like it and not making declarations, she keeps herself in control and holds the options (with the keys!), and keeps me guessing and off-balance. This works for both of us. It won’t be the only way as she experiments, as sometimes a declaration (e.g., “at least XX days”) might suit her goals on a given occasion.

It’s not just in the chastity domain. For example, if she’s got heavier play in mind for when she comes home in the evening, she may not be sure I’ll be physically and emotionally up for the scene without checking with me (she could do it even if I’m not, of course, but it could be distressing for me in a bad way, and there are things we don’t casually risk without careful monitoring). So we’ve been sorting out ways for her to get the information she needs without contacting me to ask if I feel up to XXX. The latter would put the decision on the wrong side — she doesn’t need nor want to ask permission, but she does need information. Given health issues on my side, it’s a subtle problem.

That said, the fact that we both think so much about these issues is part of why we are so good together.

 

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My “want” (NSFW text)

Jalan locked my chastity belt on me a week ago. It’s been off a couple of times for cleaning, once for a brief torment via coitus interruptus, and once to tend a minor cut. But not for my fun or freedom.

This is not the longest period she’s required me to go without masturbation or orgasm, though it might be the longest period using the physical belt (verifying would take some homework, but I haven’t had a fully functional and effective belt all that long).

Last night, Jalan talked about appreciating the denial — whether ordered or physically enforced — in that after a few days she starts to feel my want. Under most circumstances, I am happy to have sex, don’t get me wrong. As is she. But I am (as fits our relationship dynamic) usually reserved about asking or asserting the desire. My sexual activity is primarily a function of her mood, not mine, and that’s the way we like it.

However, after around 5 days or a week in chastity and denial, I am . . . not vocal or demanding, but . . . visibly eager with the prospect of sexual activity, even if it won’t lead to my own orgasm.

As I’ve written before, Jalan feels her dominance most, and feels most in control, when I am off balance, not on an even keel. This is one way we both love to get me there, and she sometimes finds it worth denying her own passing desires that might result in my orgasm before she’s accomplished the longer-term goal.

 
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Posted by on July 17, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s

 

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Belonging to her (NSFW text)

We were lying in bed, snuggling, when I realized I was wearing:

  • My 24/7 collar
  • A play collar and leash
  • My chastity belt
  • My wedding ring
  • Nothing else

The belt and both collars locked on.

I think I’m owned . . . in the best possible sense.

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s

 

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Unbalanced (NSFW text)

But in the good way.

At the beginning of the last denial period, I mentioned that Jalan likes putting me off balance. In that context it was both physical (the partial suspension) and mental (the unspecified denial period).

We’ve talked about the concept since then. Jalan tailors her dominance to her partner’s needs and buttons. She gets and feels the control she wants in different ways, depending on what moves her partner. In some ways, I’ve been a challenge. Not out of brattiness, nor because she doesn’t know what moves me (quite the contrary). There are, of course, tools. But they have different limitations.

For example, bondage is obvious, but it’s very difficult to give my 40-something body enough bondage to overwhelm my cravings without causing unwanted physical distress. She has done so on occasion, and they have been some great scenes, but it’s not easy.

Pain might also be obvious. Jalan is a sadist. We do sometimes engage in pain play, but — as I am not a masochist — it works very differently with me than it would with someone who wants it. The gift of submission is a cliche, but my willingness to endure pain in play is pretty much that. I’m enduring it because she enjoys it, and more pain hurts more, but that meets her needs in a different way, as well, and not one where she’s done much on the unbalancing to date.

There are other things we’ve explored and are exploring, of course — protocols, periods of heavy behavioral control, and other things. Some work better than others for me, some work better than others for her. But so far, orgasm denial has been one we’ve both responded to most strongly in this sense — that she wants me off-balance.

One of the issues is that I am constantly anticipating what might or will come next, and m responses to it. Except in the rare (for me) subspace, I’m  forecasting. So my response to things I succeed in anticipating is muted. This is not something that I have conscious control over, but it does make the unbalancing a challenge. What works better for us is when she’s able to surprise me

So we had a conversation about tools she could use, which she is mulling over and will implement when she’s ready. Yes, I trust her enough to give her levers for moving me. And neither of us would have  it any other way.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2012 in General / Overhead

 

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“I have decided that you will not . . .” (explicit NSFW text)

What I’d been hoping and dreading (in the “be careful what you wish for” sense) happened yesterday. Jalan had me strung up in a partial suspension, blindfolded and gagged. She talked about loving seeing me off-balance, which she means in more ways than one. That she feels her dominance when she pushes me — again, in more ways than one.

That it’s harder to get me than some men to the point where we both know, viscerally, that I have yielded. Not because of a high pain threshold. I’m no masochist. But because some of the tools she’s worked with in the past operate by setting up the planning and anticipating in the submissive partner. But I am already doing that all the time. For her to feel me yield, no matter what I say and do for her, requires a different kind of push.

She took off the blindfold, but left the ring gag in.  She explained these things to me. Then:

 I have decided that you will not come again until I can feel your need for it. Not just your want for it. And I don’t know when that will be.

I’d seen some of this coming. I’d been bound for awhile (comfortably and safely, not the suspension, nor gagged) while she showered. I could hear enough to be pretty sure that whatever else happened during this scene, I would not be the one getting off. And the issue of denial had been circling our conversations and aims for a few weeks. I do my best not to be demanding, but we still have channels by which I am permitted to communicate such desires. And she can read me like a book to begin with.

But the ride has begun.

Thank you, Ma’am. I do love you.

#chastity #denial

 

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Chastity rules and the MU (explicit NSFW text)

Male chastity has been a fascination of mine ever since I learned devices for men existed, maybe a decade ago. Female chastity has been a fascination even longer. Even aside from devices, masturbation and/or orgasm control has been a major kink since I discovered I enjoyed D/s, also maybe a decade ago.

It was not a big thing for Jalan before we got together, but she’s come to appreciate its effect on me! After many years, many attempts, and way too much money, I got an effective belt last Fall. As mentioned previously, it’s a custom-fit metal cage welded onto a locking belt. It’s completely unremovable by me and completely effective at preventing masturbation. Unfortunately, I live in a warm region and sweat a lot, so 3 days is about the limit of wear at one go, despite my best cleaning efforts. We’ve also experimented with periods of denial (up to two weeks at the last go-round) without the belt.

These are the core of the rules:

  • My rules for masturbation are set every Sunday. They default to the previous week’s.
  • I keep a journal of when I masturbate, as well as when I want to but don’t due to the rules or due to the device, which I submit Sunday morning.
  • The current rules are to masturbate exactly three times per week. This sets up the dual dilemma of restriction and requirement, meaning the need for some strategizing. The number of what I call “Masturbation Units” (MUs) has sometimes been one. Other weeks it’s been by specific permission only.
  • There are accommodations for when the belt prevents reaching my quota.
  • When I am belted, she will remove the belt at least every three days for cleaning (both of it and of me). It might go right back on, in which case, masturbation during the cleaning is prohibited.

We have not yet spent a lot of time with me in the belt, in part because we’re still fine-tuning the physical side of it to prevent sores from rubbing and so forth. But it’s always there, and I never know when it’s going to be brought out. Most of the occasions on which it’s been on, it has been the full three days.

One thing that’s easily seen in this is that we’re not a long-time-denial couple. In part, this is because she enjoys sex with me, including the kinds that are not possible with the belt. In turn, I’m fascinated with the idea of my wearing a strap-on, including the strap-on gags that are popular these days. But for me, denial works best when there is hope. For example, we both love hand-jobs. But I also love not knowing whether she’s just going to edge me (at which she is expert) or let me come. And I do a great job of the mindfuck on myself with this.

At this time, I am preparing for a week-long trip away. Last night, during one of these slow hand-jobs, we observed that: (a) it was Saturday night, so the rules could change soon; and (b) I was going to be away, so any change wouldn’t result in her being denied (into which she very definitely is not). She then capped it by letting me know that I was not to take advantage of the loophole, by which I could masturbate sometime after midnight Saturday night before new, more restrictive, rules might come down. Then she stopped and said “good night.”

I love my life, and I love my wife.

 

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Taking the time (NSFW text)

A bit of stream-of-consciousness here. It’s a blog read by a handful of people on a good day, to which I post twice in a good week. What is it for but self-indulgence?

Some of the things I want to write about:

* Topping Jalan (I did recently, at her instruction).

* My masturbation and chastity protocols and rules, feelings, and devices.

* Particularly fun scenes Jalan and I have, or simple pleasures.

*  The way in which — when things are going well — most of our life together is our sex life.

Tonight I am taking the time to write about taking the time.

Since I personally entered the laptop era, some number of years ago, I’ve developed some good habits, some bad habits, and some habits of debatable merit. I mean that literally: their merit is debatable, not clearly present or absent.

I have a small flaw in my character. I multitask to ridiculous levels. When I have the laptop out, in any given fifteen-minute stretch, I’ve usually done some work, checked e-mail, done something finance-related, read news and blogs, and surfed porn. Other times, I really get carried away.

This has pros and cons, but one of the cons is that it’s hard for Jalan (or me, for that matter) to tell whether an interruption for “couple time” would be welcome, accepted, or resented. Usually it’s at least accepted. But sometimes I really am working hard on something that requires focus, or sometimes I’m focused obsessively on something else that isn’t work.

Don’t get me wrong: Jalan is in charge. If she directs me to close the computer and come for The Snuggle, or The Footrub, or whatever may be, I will, and will do my best to do so with good grace. But I mostly work from home, and she respects my needs to do my job. So the lack of cues from me — even when she can see me flipping through windows — makes it hard for her to know when I’m ok with, or even happy about, an interruption.

We’ve been in a bit of rut (and not the fun kind) for a couple of weeks, in part related to my having a major work deadline, and in part due to other things, some of which are hers to share if she chooses and not mine. Last night we had a long talk about it.

One of our past rituals has been my bringing her breakfast in the morning. I wrote about this recently in one of the “life as a pet” posts. But in recent weeks, her schedule has been such that she can sleep in — and often does so for some hours after I am awake. This is not itself a problem, but it means there is no explicit cue for when breakfast and tea should be ready. On her side, there is no explicit cue as to whether I, having been up for awhile, am in my workday mode.

So, being the type of couple we are, we have been brainstorming about how to get back that ritual. The breakfast itself is not the important part (even if it is the most important meal of the day), but the service and the connection time are. So one of the tactics we are trying out is for me to watch or ask outright for when she is awake enough to want breakfast, get to a stopping point, and bring it to her and sit with her while she eats. Togetherness and connection are the keys. Our goal (and, until recently, practice) is to start the day and the day with talking and touch. And frequently sex :-).

Jalan has not adjusted the rules for the morning routine. It is her way to try different things and see how they work before putting them into the rules (we have a website), and they are still malleable (by her, sometimes at my suggestion). But we are in the testing stage.

Bringing this long post to a close: Breakfast is an example. The point is that we problem-solve. As partners. Our partnership is asymmetric, but no less for that it is a product of us working together and sharing common goals and values. It is how we are building a life together.

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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A morning in the life of a pet (NSFW text)

I wake up early most mornings. I’m not allowed electronics before 5:30am, as part of good sleep hygiene, so most days I doze until sometime between 5:30 and 6:30.

If the chain configuration of the night lets me reach my computer, which is most of the time, I then pick it up and start dawdling online (though typing is often a challenge). I’m striving toward recovery from workaholism, so I’m also not allowed to do work- or finance-related activities until at least 6:30. Thus, the first hour or so is recreational — checking social networking, online games, tumblr erotica, etc. After 6:30, I check bank balances, online work, and so forth.

The night before, Jalan will have given me a wake-up time; most often 7am. That is the time I am to wake her, though I also have instruction to wake her earlier for my bathroom needs or any kind of distress. Given how early I go to bed, the former usually kicks in before 7 and I have to ask to be released. She may or may not rebind me when I return — she is more likely to if it’s the middle of the night.

After I am out of bed, I make her tea and then my coffee. More often than not, she is not ready to be awake at 7, either, so I am on my own for awhile, which involves some combination of breakfast, online “rounds,” and sometimes something streaming with headphones (we have a few of the online services, as cost-effective entertainment options).

Speaking of, time to wake her . . . more parts of the day later.

 
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Posted by on April 29, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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