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Life in general

Mundane intrusion and keeping a routine together

I mentioned in the weekly update, as well as at several points in last week’s sex blog, that things had been atypical. Our circumstances day to day have not been terribly predictable and we’ve been exhausted. Things will be ok, but it’s been a challenging week — not least for the issues of routine.

The disruption started early Tuesday, and is ongoing. The point now is that by Saturday night, it was getting rough for me. We have not had our routines and rituals, or even much time and opportunity to be close and touch and talk. By the end of Day 5 of this, it was difficult, and I was starting to make bad decisions for myself (not, I hasten to add, relationship decisions).

Sunday morning, I struck a blow for normalcy by working on a detailed to-do list for myself that I shared with Jalan. She rarely responds to these explicitly, but making lists is a way I self-soothe, and she respects that. The process of my list-making and sharing is important for me, and it serves as a barometer for her on how I’m functioning. That was the beginning of restoring routine. Related, many of the rules and procedures I’m under in our relationship are on a Sunday-Saturday cycle. By “re-setting” on Sunday morning, I was able to grasp for some of the structure I needed.

One of the other things I did yesterday was work on our website. I maintain a private site for us that organizes some of the principles, rules, requirements, restrictions, etc. of our D/s. It also incorporates some logs I keep. We used to do this on Google Docs, but it got to be either many documents or well over 20 pages, so the hypertext provides some benefits. One of my procedures at times is to go over the documents and see if anything needs an update — either because it no longer reflects her and our priorities, or is not serving our needs well, or is less applicable due to other changes (such as sections that were relevant when we lived apart before we were married). I also have a section of draft rules. A large fraction of the rules are written by me, whether Jalan originally suggested them or I did — partly because I have the more legalistic mind. I look for loopholes, then suggest ways to close them :).

In any case, this was more of the self-soothing. Whenever she looks at them is fine, but the process of organization helps me.

Thing are still challenging today, but I’m feeling more on my game and better able to do things that meet both her needs and mine.

 
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Posted by on July 30, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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The meaning of having control (NSFW text)

With respect to the latest round of chastity, among other domains, Jalan has  realized she sometimes prefers being able to operate in such areas on her whim, versus locking herself  (NPI) into a plan. I need both structure and surprises, so this works for me. I.e., if she set a 10-day denial, and were to change her mind on day 3, that would not work for me mentally. Making herself wait until day 10 may be undesirable for her.

So by just locking the belt when she feels like it and not making declarations, she keeps herself in control and holds the options (with the keys!), and keeps me guessing and off-balance. This works for both of us. It won’t be the only way as she experiments, as sometimes a declaration (e.g., “at least XX days”) might suit her goals on a given occasion.

It’s not just in the chastity domain. For example, if she’s got heavier play in mind for when she comes home in the evening, she may not be sure I’ll be physically and emotionally up for the scene without checking with me (she could do it even if I’m not, of course, but it could be distressing for me in a bad way, and there are things we don’t casually risk without careful monitoring). So we’ve been sorting out ways for her to get the information she needs without contacting me to ask if I feel up to XXX. The latter would put the decision on the wrong side — she doesn’t need nor want to ask permission, but she does need information. Given health issues on my side, it’s a subtle problem.

That said, the fact that we both think so much about these issues is part of why we are so good together.

 

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Belonging to her (NSFW text)

We were lying in bed, snuggling, when I realized I was wearing:

  • My 24/7 collar
  • A play collar and leash
  • My chastity belt
  • My wedding ring
  • Nothing else

The belt and both collars locked on.

I think I’m owned . . . in the best possible sense.

 
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Posted by on July 15, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s

 

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Back where I belong (NSFW text)

I’m at home, Jalan’s at home, I’ve been allowed to have orgasms, we found an affordable plumber, and life is as it should be. Today has been a day of my pampering her. Tomorrow we’ll go out to celebrate six months since I took her collar. We take care of each other.

The processing of lessons to learn from the bad trip (not that kind) continues. It’s part of deciding what kind of life and lives Jalan and I are building together. Some progress is being made on both our parts, but of course life’s responsibilities continue during this process. And it would not work as well if they didn’t.

Oh, and our new toy arrived.  ExtremeRestraints (nsfw link) had a nice sale and we got some thigh cuffs, something we’ve wanted for awhile. The plan is to add a couple more hitching rings to the bed (as if it doesn’t have enough attachment points) and improvise from there. Much fun!

 

 
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Posted by on June 16, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s, Play

 

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Back in the saddle (NSFW text)

Or not, as the case may be.

After the last morose entry, the trip continued to deteriorate, culminating in a 4am call to Jalan, which in turn resulted in booking an earlier flight and coming home. My loving wife and owner picked me up from the airport, took me for breakfast, then got me home and in bed. She also made sure I’d stay there with cuffs and locks, declaring a minimum length for the nap. I did wake up earlier than that for the bathroom, and asked on returning if I could check in online — since I was already awake — but it was still naptime and that was that. And I did fall back asleep.

She knows me well.

Bringing the long story to a close, the deadline got met, and within a couple of days I was rested and recovered, and resolved to do our best to have as few nights apart in the future as could possibly be managed.

Still no orgasm, though.

As of this morning, she’s decided she can feel my “want.” But I think we’re still well short of her feeling my need. And it’s true — the need has been building more slowly this time than in our previous denial (she prefers “delay”) periods. I’m horny as all get out, and very much want to have sex, to come, and so forth. Heck, one night this week, I was asking her for sex even if I didn’t get to finish — just the act and the movement (didn’t get it). But the need is still building.

In other fronts, things are (also) going well. Due to a number of factors coming (NPI) together, I’m having some realizations about how I want to construct my life as Jalan and I build a life together. None of them is new or revolutionary for me, but they are crystallizing in new ways. And, as mentioned above, one of the factors in how we make our lives work going forward is that we do not like spending nights apart. Bad. Do not want. And it’s important enough to figure into career decisions.

That’s just one example — there are other principles in play. But one of the things Jalan and I have in common is that we both try to make decisions guided by principles that are important to us, instead of just going to the next obvious step. Going into too much detail would mean getting a bit too specific about my career for a public sex blog, but those who know me can ask, and for the rest — suffice to say that there is “processing” going on about deciding what career decisions best reflect my beliefs about what is important in how I live my life.

And it feels good.

And I’m horny.

Time to edge myself to meet quota.

 
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Posted by on June 8, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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Lonely and tired (NSFW text)

I’m on a trip away from Jalan most of this week. I’m no longer used to sleeping alone, and I do not like it one little bit. I’ve been sleeping terribly. I’m also working on a major deadline long distance, which is ok, but it adds to the stress and anxiety levels from the insomnia (and, of course, feeds the insomnia).

Not entirely unrelated, I have a bit of a thing for masturbating when alone in hotel rooms. Not an option at the moment. Well, that’s not strictly true. It’s actually a requirement at the moment — Jalan opted not to reduce the masturbation quota when she instituted the denial period. In other words, I am required to edge myself exactly three times this week. This is not but so much help for the case of the lonely-and-hornys . . .

So too tired to work on anything but the major deadline. Not able to use my usual retreat. And having to somehow accomplish the purposes of the trip along with the deadline. Grump.

#denial

 
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Posted by on May 30, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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Taking the time (NSFW text)

A bit of stream-of-consciousness here. It’s a blog read by a handful of people on a good day, to which I post twice in a good week. What is it for but self-indulgence?

Some of the things I want to write about:

* Topping Jalan (I did recently, at her instruction).

* My masturbation and chastity protocols and rules, feelings, and devices.

* Particularly fun scenes Jalan and I have, or simple pleasures.

*  The way in which — when things are going well — most of our life together is our sex life.

Tonight I am taking the time to write about taking the time.

Since I personally entered the laptop era, some number of years ago, I’ve developed some good habits, some bad habits, and some habits of debatable merit. I mean that literally: their merit is debatable, not clearly present or absent.

I have a small flaw in my character. I multitask to ridiculous levels. When I have the laptop out, in any given fifteen-minute stretch, I’ve usually done some work, checked e-mail, done something finance-related, read news and blogs, and surfed porn. Other times, I really get carried away.

This has pros and cons, but one of the cons is that it’s hard for Jalan (or me, for that matter) to tell whether an interruption for “couple time” would be welcome, accepted, or resented. Usually it’s at least accepted. But sometimes I really am working hard on something that requires focus, or sometimes I’m focused obsessively on something else that isn’t work.

Don’t get me wrong: Jalan is in charge. If she directs me to close the computer and come for The Snuggle, or The Footrub, or whatever may be, I will, and will do my best to do so with good grace. But I mostly work from home, and she respects my needs to do my job. So the lack of cues from me — even when she can see me flipping through windows — makes it hard for her to know when I’m ok with, or even happy about, an interruption.

We’ve been in a bit of rut (and not the fun kind) for a couple of weeks, in part related to my having a major work deadline, and in part due to other things, some of which are hers to share if she chooses and not mine. Last night we had a long talk about it.

One of our past rituals has been my bringing her breakfast in the morning. I wrote about this recently in one of the “life as a pet” posts. But in recent weeks, her schedule has been such that she can sleep in — and often does so for some hours after I am awake. This is not itself a problem, but it means there is no explicit cue for when breakfast and tea should be ready. On her side, there is no explicit cue as to whether I, having been up for awhile, am in my workday mode.

So, being the type of couple we are, we have been brainstorming about how to get back that ritual. The breakfast itself is not the important part (even if it is the most important meal of the day), but the service and the connection time are. So one of the tactics we are trying out is for me to watch or ask outright for when she is awake enough to want breakfast, get to a stopping point, and bring it to her and sit with her while she eats. Togetherness and connection are the keys. Our goal (and, until recently, practice) is to start the day and the day with talking and touch. And frequently sex :-).

Jalan has not adjusted the rules for the morning routine. It is her way to try different things and see how they work before putting them into the rules (we have a website), and they are still malleable (by her, sometimes at my suggestion). But we are in the testing stage.

Bringing this long post to a close: Breakfast is an example. The point is that we problem-solve. As partners. Our partnership is asymmetric, but no less for that it is a product of us working together and sharing common goals and values. It is how we are building a life together.

 
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Posted by on May 23, 2012 in Daily Life

 

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