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Unbalanced (NSFW text)

17 Jun

But in the good way.

At the beginning of the last denial period, I mentioned that Jalan likes putting me off balance. In that context it was both physical (the partial suspension) and mental (the unspecified denial period).

We’ve talked about the concept since then. Jalan tailors her dominance to her partner’s needs and buttons. She gets and feels the control she wants in different ways, depending on what moves her partner. In some ways, I’ve been a challenge. Not out of brattiness, nor because she doesn’t know what moves me (quite the contrary). There are, of course, tools. But they have different limitations.

For example, bondage is obvious, but it’s very difficult to give my 40-something body enough bondage to overwhelm my cravings without causing unwanted physical distress. She has done so on occasion, and they have been some great scenes, but it’s not easy.

Pain might also be obvious. Jalan is a sadist. We do sometimes engage in pain play, but — as I am not a masochist — it works very differently with me than it would with someone who wants it. The gift of submission is a cliche, but my willingness to endure pain in play is pretty much that. I’m enduring it because she enjoys it, and more pain hurts more, but that meets her needs in a different way, as well, and not one where she’s done much on the unbalancing to date.

There are other things we’ve explored and are exploring, of course — protocols, periods of heavy behavioral control, and other things. Some work better than others for me, some work better than others for her. But so far, orgasm denial has been one we’ve both responded to most strongly in this sense — that she wants me off-balance.

One of the issues is that I am constantly anticipating what might or will come next, and m responses to it. Except in the rare (for me) subspace, I’m  forecasting. So my response to things I succeed in anticipating is muted. This is not something that I have conscious control over, but it does make the unbalancing a challenge. What works better for us is when she’s able to surprise me

So we had a conversation about tools she could use, which she is mulling over and will implement when she’s ready. Yes, I trust her enough to give her levers for moving me. And neither of us would have  it any other way.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2012 in General / Overhead

 

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