I mentioned in the weekly update, as well as at several points in last week’s sex blog, that things had been atypical. Our circumstances day to day have not been terribly predictable and we’ve been exhausted. Things will be ok, but it’s been a challenging week — not least for the issues of routine.
The disruption started early Tuesday, and is ongoing. The point now is that by Saturday night, it was getting rough for me. We have not had our routines and rituals, or even much time and opportunity to be close and touch and talk. By the end of Day 5 of this, it was difficult, and I was starting to make bad decisions for myself (not, I hasten to add, relationship decisions).
Sunday morning, I struck a blow for normalcy by working on a detailed to-do list for myself that I shared with Jalan. She rarely responds to these explicitly, but making lists is a way I self-soothe, and she respects that. The process of my list-making and sharing is important for me, and it serves as a barometer for her on how I’m functioning. That was the beginning of restoring routine. Related, many of the rules and procedures I’m under in our relationship are on a Sunday-Saturday cycle. By “re-setting” on Sunday morning, I was able to grasp for some of the structure I needed.
One of the other things I did yesterday was work on our website. I maintain a private site for us that organizes some of the principles, rules, requirements, restrictions, etc. of our D/s. It also incorporates some logs I keep. We used to do this on Google Docs, but it got to be either many documents or well over 20 pages, so the hypertext provides some benefits. One of my procedures at times is to go over the documents and see if anything needs an update — either because it no longer reflects her and our priorities, or is not serving our needs well, or is less applicable due to other changes (such as sections that were relevant when we lived apart before we were married). I also have a section of draft rules. A large fraction of the rules are written by me, whether Jalan originally suggested them or I did — partly because I have the more legalistic mind. I look for loopholes, then suggest ways to close them :).
In any case, this was more of the self-soothing. Whenever she looks at them is fine, but the process of organization helps me.
Thing are still challenging today, but I’m feeling more on my game and better able to do things that meet both her needs and mine.