Inspired by a couple of car conversations with Jalan this morning, and related to some of the “micro-management” mechanisms from the other day.
One of the reasons I often need the micro-management (see? not afraid of the term) is I have a nearly-constant drive for productivity, and a strong desire for predictability in plans. Both of these have been the case as long as I can remember — at least most of my adult life. And, on both of these, I’ve made substantial progress in my time with Jalan, with her assistance and encouragement, and her judicious use of control.
The reason for saying “judicious” is that Jalan is a keen student of the human condition, and knows that simply dictating a drastic change in such habits — habits of thought, as well as behavior — has the potential to undermine our closeness. But there has been gradual progress.
A key feature of the progress made in the need for predictability is my absolute trust in Jalan. Since I have known her, she has never betrayed that trust in even the smallest way — even in ways that might be “fun” in some D/s contexts, such as increasing something I complain about. She knows that that could, given my psychology, dampen my willingness to speak openly to her — something we both have the genuine need to keep at a high level.
I’m at the point where I seldom question her plans, whether it’s a stop for an errand that I didn’t know would happen, or a whisking me away for some trip without my knowing the destination or possibly even duration. Not never, but seldom. She reinforces this progress by almost never answering any questions I ask about these things! And, again, I’ve never regretted that trust, but it doesn’t always come easily in the moment. Most of my life, I’ve needed to be the “responsible one.” Progress in letting go.
Where I still fall short of my own goals — as well as her hopes for me — is when plans are in flux. Again, I’ve made progress, but it still can spin up my anxiety if I don’t know that at least she has a plan, even if I’m not privy to it. It is still about trust, and the trust has been earned, but it takes more to change the habit of thought than the cognitive realization that nothing has ever gone wrong when I have relied on her to make sure things work out (which is true, as she pointed out this morning).
To tie this back to micro-management, the scheme I mentioned in the previous entry gives me greater predictability in my day – even if I need to mark something like “12pm-6pm: Something with Jalan that she hasn’t yet filled me in on.”
I’m about to lose my seat in the coffee shop, and my cup is dry, so I’ll come back to the need to feel productive in another entry.