Let me say first that Jalan did not direct me to write this. She has not, to date, exerted any control over this blog. This is my processing.
Recently, over a period of weeks, I willfully disregarded one of Jalan’s rules. Frankly, I’ve always hated this rule, despite the fact that I requested it. As rules go, it could be considered a minor one, with no lasting consequence to the disobedience other than any internal or relationship ones. But those effects are real, and they matter.
Brattiness is not a part of our relationship, nor is play punishment. Genuine punishment hasn’t really been, either — in part because it is extremely rare for me to disobey. I do expect measured and deliberate consequences for this. Jalan excels at measured and deliberate.
As to the why? I know the answer to that, and I am not terribly satisfied with it. It was a period of very high extrinsic stress for us. We were getting very little time together, and running on the ragged emotional edge. My ignoring this rule (a daily requirement) was an act of petulance (I’m reluctant to say defiance). It was a way of striking back against the situation. It was in no way consciously a strike at Jalan. Regardless, this is new territory for us. Not only that I disobeyed, but that I did so for an extended period, and even then did not confess it to her until a few days after.
I expect and hope for consequences that reinforce the universality of the set of rules I am under, but most especially the requirement of utter transparency to her, which I blew.