Jalan asked me last night before bed how I was feeling about our rituals, now that we’ve had some recovery time from the stresses of the end of 2012. I thought about it and realized that I’ve been comfortable with the level of structure/control/ritual the last few weeks, but that might be in part because I’ve been unusually busy with work obligations, but that as I get more caught up in the mundane world (which I refuse to distinguish as more “real”), I might feel things are a bit too light.
To expand on that, feeling “the tug of the leash” has always been important to me in our relationship. I need to know at a gut level that Jalan has the control. And while there’s no question that her ownership of me shapes my days and nights (I’m writing this while locked in collar, cuffs, and chastity belt), a lot of the rules and structures she’s put in place for me have become thoroughly internalized, to the point where they no longer feel so much like yielding as like this is my life.
By way of example, Jalan commented on Ferns’s (wonderful — you should follow it) blog last night, in part:
When Naga and I first started talking, he explained that after some terrible experiences with previous Dommes, he was wary of fitness regimens or requirements. He wasn’t willing to call it a hard limit, but he clearly had no use for it. As with just about every limit we’ve encountered, that quickly became obsolete. In the nearly 2 years we’ve been doing 24/7 D/s, he’s lost nearly 50 pounds, cooks regularly, eats well, and enjoys going to the gym where he’s more and more confident each week. He’s thrilled about it.
The cooking was originally a requirement that seemed pretty heavy in the particulars. But now I enjoy it and it is such a part of my life I have difficulty thinking back to when I chafed under the rule. In other words, it no longer feels like a tug. The exercise requirements are rapidly progressing through the same transition. These are good changes, but still leaves the internal question.
Jalan, an Arrested Development fan: “Oh, I have to come up with another thing?”
We did talk about some specifics. As an example that both of us often cite, I make her tea before I wake her each morning. Going forward, I’ll start making it “the hard way” — i.e., with loose tea — again: Not just more clean-up, but more of a ritual to the process than K-cups or even tea bags. And it makes better tea, I’m told (I don’t drink the stuff).
I have complete certainty that there will be more. My daily life is already hardly recognizable relative to two years ago, but it’s all been a smooth, organic process, with constant and through communication, leading to internalized changes. I have no idea what the next two years and more will bring, but I’m excited to find out. As Mollena wrote on Fet (login required),
So who says you, the dominant, the master, are worthy to change us?
And I’m good with that. And it’s time to make the tea.