Internalized changes vs. the tug of the leash

10 Feb

Jalan asked me last night before bed how I was feeling about our rituals, now that we’ve had some recovery time from the stresses of the end of 2012. I thought about it and realized that I’ve been comfortable with the level of structure/control/ritual the last few weeks, but that might be in part because I’ve been unusually busy with work obligations, but that as I get more caught up in the mundane world (which I refuse to distinguish as more “real”), I might feel things are a bit too light.

To expand on that, feeling “the tug of the leash” has always been important to me in our relationship. I need to know at a gut level that Jalan has the control. And while there’s no question that her ownership of me shapes my days and nights (I’m writing this while locked in collar, cuffs, and chastity belt), a lot of the rules and structures she’s put in place for me have become thoroughly internalized, to the point where they no longer feel so much like yielding as like this is my life.

By way of example, Jalan commented on Ferns’s (wonderful — you should follow it) blog last night, in part:

When Naga and I first started talking, he explained that after some terrible experiences with previous Dommes, he was wary of fitness regimens or requirements. He wasn’t willing to call it a hard limit, but he clearly had no use for it. As with just about every limit we’ve encountered, that quickly became obsolete. In the nearly 2 years we’ve been doing 24/7 D/s, he’s lost nearly 50 pounds, cooks regularly, eats well, and enjoys going to the gym where he’s more and more confident each week. He’s thrilled about it.

The cooking was originally a requirement that seemed pretty heavy in the particulars. But now I enjoy it and it is such a part of my life I have difficulty thinking back to when I chafed under the rule. In other words, it no longer feels like a tug. The exercise requirements are rapidly progressing through the same transition. These are good changes, but still leaves the internal question.

Jalan, an Arrested Development fan: “Oh, I have to come up with another thing?”

We did talk about some specifics. As an example that both of us often cite, I make her tea before I wake her each morning. Going forward, I’ll start making it “the hard way” — i.e., with loose tea — again: Not just more clean-up, but more of a ritual to the process than K-cups or even tea bags. And it makes better tea, I’m told (I don’t drink the stuff).

I have complete certainty that there will be more. My daily life is already hardly recognizable relative to two years ago, but it’s all been a smooth, organic process, with constant and through communication, leading to internalized changes. I have no idea what the next two years and more will bring, but I’m excited to find out. As Mollena wrote on Fet (login required),

So who says you, the dominant, the master, are worthy to change us?

We do.

And I’m good with that. And it’s time to make the tea.


Posted by on February 10, 2013 in D/s


2 responses to “Internalized changes vs. the tug of the leash

  1. Ferns

    February 10, 2013 at 5:48 pm

    *smile* Thank you for the sweet call out!!

    I think Jalan’s question is exactly right: “Oh, I have to come up with another thing?”

    My goal is to have a calm, happy, healthy, functioning relationship that works the way I like it. Once I have that, I expect to cruise. I’m not interested in having to come up with ways to escalate the D/s / BDSM side to keep it exciting. On the other hand, like any relationship, it’s not that hard to slide into complacency (and then boredom) over time.

    There’s a danger in D/s relationships for the submissive to look at the dominant and go ‘Now what?’ as if it’s their job to come up with ‘stuff’ to entertain, amuse, ‘feed’ their submissive. I see this a lot in NEW D/s relationships with the Domme asking ‘what do I do to him now?’ as if it’s her ‘job’ to keep him excited and interested in her and the relationship. Obviously that’s a lot more problematic in the beginning because it sets up the basis of the relationship as ‘The D-type does stuff to the s-type to keep him engaged’ and implies that as soon as she stops, the submissive will get bored and go looking for something more exciting. That’s NOT a relationship!

    There is a balance there (same as in vanilla relationships), and I like your idea of challenging *yourself* to do things better/different for her. I look forward to seeing how it goes.

    (wow, long comment! I have thoughts! Who’d have guessed?!!)


    • nagadikandang

      February 10, 2013 at 8:11 pm


      I agree about the danger. One of the things Jalan and I do well — aside from bragging on how well we do things — is collaborate. Of course, some things are my responsibility and some things, such as the decision-making in many domains, are hers.

      But we’re always communicating and keeping a balance, as you say. To some extent, yes, there is pressure on her to come up with another thing, but it’s countered by my awareness of my own needs and being proactive in meeting them as I can, and asking for (not demanding) intervention when I can’t. And, of course, I’m continually looking for new things to do for her or to improve on. For example, on my own initiative I’ve started shopping for a floor chair, as we both want me to be able to spend time at her feet without *undue* strain.

      We’ve been 24/7 D/s for close to two years, and our first wedding anniversary is next month, and we’ve never had a fight. It’s not because of the D/s, either — she would never squelch my expression of feelings. Culture tells us that not fighting is not supposed to happen, but we both know the value of open and free communication, and we’re partners. Our partnership is asymmetric, but that’s not the same as unequal.


Any and all thoughts welcome

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