Last night’s post was necessary for me, in part because it helped me figure out what the fear is. After some further contemplation and talks with Jalan, and sleeping on it, I’m feeling a bit more myself today.
Even if this physical problem turns out to be something easily treated and remedied, there is still likely to be a period of weeks to months of diminished capability. What will happen at the end of that period is still a big unknown, and what further progressions occur during the diagnostic part present another unknown.
But I pride myself on leading what I call a “principled life.” Some of that is the tooting of my own horn that it sounds like — Yeah, look at me, I got me some principles! — but more of that is a decision-making process. I have a pretty good idea of what’s important to me, whether that’s in terms of living situation, work situation, relationship needs, or, simply luxuries. Those conceptions of what’s important — my priorities — can be refined, but the core is durable, even when my capacities suffer.
So, what to do when the capacities do suffer for a period? I’ve got a lot of thinking and processing ahead to do this, and it will be a two-steps-forward-one-step-back dance, but I know how I want — how I need to approach this situation.
What I am planning to to take some time to do is to build up what I want my life to look like during this limbo. That is, I will build it from positives/wants/needs/desires until I near the current capacity, versus taking elements away from the current patterns and habits until I come down to what fits in the threshold.
I’m still talking about limitations. My glasses aren’t that rosy. But I can address those limitations from a position of integrity — knowing myself, knowing my values.