I am in much better state this morning. Jalan and I went downstairs yesterday (a major chore for me post-op, which has aggravated the movement problems), sat on the couch with my leash in her hand, and talked about what these conversations had brought to both our minds.
We were clear to each other, echoed each other, and brainstormed on ways to feel more connected in both D/s and partnership senses, as well as the general support. We talked about some of the support I need right now that I was previously able to manage without direct intervention, forgiveness by both of us for the lapses, and things she needs right now as the changes put strains on her.
We came up with numerous possibilities for ways to stay better engaged on a more day-to-day — even hour-to-hour — basis, whether or not one of us is feeling poorly. That’s not to say we don’t do a pretty good job already, but the stresses of the past few months have hindered it. The next steps are for me to work on implementing the parts on my end, and for her to contemplate how she wants to go about implementing the additional structure I’m needing right now — now that she understands what aspects I’m missing right now.
The goal is not for Jalan to have to micromanage long-term (though sometimes that’s fun, too), but to provide the supporting framework I need in order to re-build and build new good habits for myself, gradually lessening intervention as I internalize the structures.
It’s the process that has consistently worked for us and that we expect will succeed again. She’s not going to dump 20 new rules on me tomorrow — that would be counterproductive when anxiety is a big part of the problem — but, as I know her, I know she will carefully consider what to introduce as we go forward, even while I take the talks as a jump-start for my own (somewhat frayed, understandably) self-discipline.
Partners in every sense.