State of the dragon: D/s, SM, & denial, oh my!

We played last night.

Heavier play, probably, than since 2012.

Since I’ve been sick (from early 2013), there’s been a sense of fragility, as well as a general sense of ‘survival mode.’ Even as my health has more or less stabilized, I was on anti-platelet meds for a year, until late July, so impact play wasn’t particularly safe.

The overall fragility has also left our level of D/s subdued. Jalan doesn’t want to command me to do something, only for me to “not be up to it,” or suffer for a day or three afterward due to the stress, however welcome in the moment, aggravating the CFS. That, and survival mode: what’s happening, what’s going to happen next, am I going to get better, etc, the move, her starting a job, and so on.

We’ve still been very clearly a D/s, O/p couple, but it’s been more in terms of structures, frameworks, standing rules, and so on. Jalan’s felt little room to assert herself in the moment, for reasons in the previous paragraph, and we both miss it. Play’s also been lessened, other than bondage, sometimes with sex and/or teasing.

Over recent weeks, we’ve been discussing this and what we want to do about it, both of us offering ideas, concerns, needs and wants. One of the critical things we agreed to is that the CFS won’t stop us/her. If I’m having a particularly bad day, I’ll make sure she knows. But she also knows my schedule in detail and, at any given time, what I’ll need to be in shape for in the next couple of days. And when she asserts herself, that’s it — no rebuff.

One of the other things we’ve discussed is a ritual “giving over,” especially now that she’s working most of the daytimes and we have even less opportunity for in-the-moment connection. We’ve also discussed the fact that this will likely to trigger anxiety attacks in me, at least the first few times. Her alerting me to something coming up tends to. But it’s important to me to push through that stage.

Finally, we talked a couple of weeks ago about my needing more explicit orgasm denial and/or use of the chastity belt.

Last night, Jalan acted on these things.

Spoiler: I’m fatigued today

This was an important taking back.

She ordered me to gather up certain things, including her crop and our dildo-harness gag, and to put my wrist and ankle cuffs on. Then there was, for us, fairly heavy play. I’ve got hickeys, deep scratches, bite marks, and crop marks. Her feet were well kissed, and her toes well sucked, which we (mostly she) are just recently getting into. There were some new things, including a bit of something like four-legged pony, which we’d not discussed or explored before. Not carrying her anywhere–that would be beyond me–but her straddling my back and using the crop while I’m on all fours. There was gag-harness sex aplenty.

Then she had me fetch the big spreader bars and the mindfold for a new “game.” I was spread-eagled with the spreaders anchored to the bed. She would stroke me. If I came within an hour (this is after a week of denial and teasing, mind), there would be another two weeks of denial. What would happen if I “won” was left unstated.

So we talked while she masturbated me. We discussed my strategy. We discussed my disadvantage (one of many) in not being able to see a clock. We discussed whether I would play to win or play to lose, and some of the contingencies involved. We talked about what winning might involve, or what I might want it to. Then she upped the level by introducing new rules, which is always a major turn-on for me. This week is a trial of something edging past dominant/owner to disciplinarian/mistress. On her work mornings, I wake her with oral–something she loves, but I’m still cautious of (long-standing reasons). When she returns from work, she calls or texts me (timing varies) so that I can be naked, in cuffs, kneeling face on the floor, and holding out her crop. When she comes home, she is “Mistress,” (vs. “Ma’am”) until I’m released from the protocol. That last was my suggestion. Then came the silicone lube in quantity and I was a goner.

31 minutes. Oh, and meanwhile, the stakes had been raised to three weeks with plans for a regimen of teasing, not just spontaneous and occasional.

We don’t invest a lot in labels, except for the importance of “pet” to me. We use them as metaphors that carry certain symbolism to us, and may convey something reasonably accurate to most others. But whatever you call it, it’s deepening.

This is good.

I’m highly fatigued today. And that, too, is good.

ETA: I should note for my chastity-focused readers that three weeks is a long time for us–the longest to date was 27 days. And there were no promises made about what happens at the end of those three weeks.