Tag Archives: D/s

Dominance and submission

New territory (for me) in chastity

As I write, I am on Day 9 of being continuously locked in my chastity belt. Jalan has denied me orgasm for longer periods than this (though not dramatically so), but it is by far my longest time physically belted to date, and we’re both enjoying the unfolding of my reactions to it.

One of the changes that led to this is a modification in how it’s put on that makes it easier for me to stay clean. Previously, 3-4 days was the maximum before it would at least need to come off long enough for it and my bits to be cleaned, or the smell would become noticeable. Now, on Day 9, that apparently is no longer a factor. Like most developments in chastity, that is at best a mixed blessing! (Not really — as in most domains, anything that leaves the control to Jalan’s decisions rather than to outside factors is a good thing for us.)

So, new territory. One of the reasons Jalan hasn’t used the belt a lot to date is that she tends to prefer my reactions to simple ordered denial. More often than not, when I’m in the belt, my libido evaporates pretty quickly. No masturbation or orgasm becomes a fact of life, and I accommodate it. Jalan does have options such as teasing through the bars of the cage to keep my head in the game — HA! — but it’s not the same. In other forms of denial, though, it’s much more about my willingness — nay, my drive — to obey her. The fact that I’m obeying her by choice is much more salient more of the time, making it much tougher for me to comply than it is to simply endure the belt. And she sees the aim of chastity/denial as to keep me in a “near-constant state of desire.” I think of it as a difference between submission and bondage more generally. Her leaving things so I must stay in place is different than her ordering me to stay in place. They push different buttons in me.

And Jalan is all about knowing how to push my buttons.

This time is different, though, as the days wear on. As I wrote in my required journal on Saturday:

Since I’ve now been belted for 7 full days, with no reason to expect that  to end anytime soon, the asexual period is passing and I’m now going into full futile-guesswork overdrive.

She laughed.

And it’s true — my feeling of restriction is growing as the days go on, rather than accommodating.

I read a lot of writing by the long-term male-chastity crowd, both wearers and keyholders. We’re not that, and I don’t expect (or particularly want) us to ever be. Among other reasons, she wants me always on the edge of thinking/hoping that this might be the day I get to come.Both denial and the belt are parts of her repertoire.

One of the key parts of our D/s is that she likes/needs to know what reactions different tactics draw from me, so that she can, well, play me like a fiddle.

It works well for us.


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Posted by on February 18, 2013 in Chastity and denial


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Mundane intrusion and keeping a routine together

I mentioned in the weekly update, as well as at several points in last week’s sex blog, that things had been atypical. Our circumstances day to day have not been terribly predictable and we’ve been exhausted. Things will be ok, but it’s been a challenging week — not least for the issues of routine.

The disruption started early Tuesday, and is ongoing. The point now is that by Saturday night, it was getting rough for me. We have not had our routines and rituals, or even much time and opportunity to be close and touch and talk. By the end of Day 5 of this, it was difficult, and I was starting to make bad decisions for myself (not, I hasten to add, relationship decisions).

Sunday morning, I struck a blow for normalcy by working on a detailed to-do list for myself that I shared with Jalan. She rarely responds to these explicitly, but making lists is a way I self-soothe, and she respects that. The process of my list-making and sharing is important for me, and it serves as a barometer for her on how I’m functioning. That was the beginning of restoring routine. Related, many of the rules and procedures I’m under in our relationship are on a Sunday-Saturday cycle. By “re-setting” on Sunday morning, I was able to grasp for some of the structure I needed.

One of the other things I did yesterday was work on our website. I maintain a private site for us that organizes some of the principles, rules, requirements, restrictions, etc. of our D/s. It also incorporates some logs I keep. We used to do this on Google Docs, but it got to be either many documents or well over 20 pages, so the hypertext provides some benefits. One of my procedures at times is to go over the documents and see if anything needs an update — either because it no longer reflects her and our priorities, or is not serving our needs well, or is less applicable due to other changes (such as sections that were relevant when we lived apart before we were married). I also have a section of draft rules. A large fraction of the rules are written by me, whether Jalan originally suggested them or I did — partly because I have the more legalistic mind. I look for loopholes, then suggest ways to close them :).

In any case, this was more of the self-soothing. Whenever she looks at them is fine, but the process of organization helps me.

Thing are still challenging today, but I’m feeling more on my game and better able to do things that meet both her needs and mine.

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Posted by on July 30, 2012 in Daily Life


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The meaning of having control (NSFW text)

With respect to the latest round of chastity, among other domains, Jalan has  realized she sometimes prefers being able to operate in such areas on her whim, versus locking herself  (NPI) into a plan. I need both structure and surprises, so this works for me. I.e., if she set a 10-day denial, and were to change her mind on day 3, that would not work for me mentally. Making herself wait until day 10 may be undesirable for her.

So by just locking the belt when she feels like it and not making declarations, she keeps herself in control and holds the options (with the keys!), and keeps me guessing and off-balance. This works for both of us. It won’t be the only way as she experiments, as sometimes a declaration (e.g., “at least XX days”) might suit her goals on a given occasion.

It’s not just in the chastity domain. For example, if she’s got heavier play in mind for when she comes home in the evening, she may not be sure I’ll be physically and emotionally up for the scene without checking with me (she could do it even if I’m not, of course, but it could be distressing for me in a bad way, and there are things we don’t casually risk without careful monitoring). So we’ve been sorting out ways for her to get the information she needs without contacting me to ask if I feel up to XXX. The latter would put the decision on the wrong side — she doesn’t need nor want to ask permission, but she does need information. Given health issues on my side, it’s a subtle problem.

That said, the fact that we both think so much about these issues is part of why we are so good together.


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My “want” (NSFW text)

Jalan locked my chastity belt on me a week ago. It’s been off a couple of times for cleaning, once for a brief torment via coitus interruptus, and once to tend a minor cut. But not for my fun or freedom.

This is not the longest period she’s required me to go without masturbation or orgasm, though it might be the longest period using the physical belt (verifying would take some homework, but I haven’t had a fully functional and effective belt all that long).

Last night, Jalan talked about appreciating the denial — whether ordered or physically enforced — in that after a few days she starts to feel my want. Under most circumstances, I am happy to have sex, don’t get me wrong. As is she. But I am (as fits our relationship dynamic) usually reserved about asking or asserting the desire. My sexual activity is primarily a function of her mood, not mine, and that’s the way we like it.

However, after around 5 days or a week in chastity and denial, I am . . . not vocal or demanding, but . . . visibly eager with the prospect of sexual activity, even if it won’t lead to my own orgasm.

As I’ve written before, Jalan feels her dominance most, and feels most in control, when I am off balance, not on an even keel. This is one way we both love to get me there, and she sometimes finds it worth denying her own passing desires that might result in my orgasm before she’s accomplished the longer-term goal.

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Posted by on July 17, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s


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Belonging to her (NSFW text)

We were lying in bed, snuggling, when I realized I was wearing:

  • My 24/7 collar
  • A play collar and leash
  • My chastity belt
  • My wedding ring
  • Nothing else

The belt and both collars locked on.

I think I’m owned . . . in the best possible sense.

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Posted by on July 15, 2012 in Chastity and denial, D/s


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Unbalanced (NSFW text)

But in the good way.

At the beginning of the last denial period, I mentioned that Jalan likes putting me off balance. In that context it was both physical (the partial suspension) and mental (the unspecified denial period).

We’ve talked about the concept since then. Jalan tailors her dominance to her partner’s needs and buttons. She gets and feels the control she wants in different ways, depending on what moves her partner. In some ways, I’ve been a challenge. Not out of brattiness, nor because she doesn’t know what moves me (quite the contrary). There are, of course, tools. But they have different limitations.

For example, bondage is obvious, but it’s very difficult to give my 40-something body enough bondage to overwhelm my cravings without causing unwanted physical distress. She has done so on occasion, and they have been some great scenes, but it’s not easy.

Pain might also be obvious. Jalan is a sadist. We do sometimes engage in pain play, but — as I am not a masochist — it works very differently with me than it would with someone who wants it. The gift of submission is a cliche, but my willingness to endure pain in play is pretty much that. I’m enduring it because she enjoys it, and more pain hurts more, but that meets her needs in a different way, as well, and not one where she’s done much on the unbalancing to date.

There are other things we’ve explored and are exploring, of course — protocols, periods of heavy behavioral control, and other things. Some work better than others for me, some work better than others for her. But so far, orgasm denial has been one we’ve both responded to most strongly in this sense — that she wants me off-balance.

One of the issues is that I am constantly anticipating what might or will come next, and m responses to it. Except in the rare (for me) subspace, I’m  forecasting. So my response to things I succeed in anticipating is muted. This is not something that I have conscious control over, but it does make the unbalancing a challenge. What works better for us is when she’s able to surprise me

So we had a conversation about tools she could use, which she is mulling over and will implement when she’s ready. Yes, I trust her enough to give her levers for moving me. And neither of us would have  it any other way.

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Posted by on June 17, 2012 in General / Overhead



“I have decided that you will not . . .” (explicit NSFW text)

What I’d been hoping and dreading (in the “be careful what you wish for” sense) happened yesterday. Jalan had me strung up in a partial suspension, blindfolded and gagged. She talked about loving seeing me off-balance, which she means in more ways than one. That she feels her dominance when she pushes me — again, in more ways than one.

That it’s harder to get me than some men to the point where we both know, viscerally, that I have yielded. Not because of a high pain threshold. I’m no masochist. But because some of the tools she’s worked with in the past operate by setting up the planning and anticipating in the submissive partner. But I am already doing that all the time. For her to feel me yield, no matter what I say and do for her, requires a different kind of push.

She took off the blindfold, but left the ring gag in.  She explained these things to me. Then:

 I have decided that you will not come again until I can feel your need for it. Not just your want for it. And I don’t know when that will be.

I’d seen some of this coming. I’d been bound for awhile (comfortably and safely, not the suspension, nor gagged) while she showered. I could hear enough to be pretty sure that whatever else happened during this scene, I would not be the one getting off. And the issue of denial had been circling our conversations and aims for a few weeks. I do my best not to be demanding, but we still have channels by which I am permitted to communicate such desires. And she can read me like a book to begin with.

But the ride has begun.

Thank you, Ma’am. I do love you.

#chastity #denial


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