February 7, 2015: In my chastity belt

I am once again locked in my chastity belt.

This is especially noteworthy to me because the last time Jalan put it on me, at the beginning of January, I’d had it set too tight, over-correcting for weight loss. I made it about 5 days before breaking into the emergency key and finding (non-serious) sores under it. That was emotionally traumatic to some degree as well as physically painful.

That had been the first time the belt had seen use since I got sick two years ago, when I wore it for a continuous 3 weeks-plus in January and February, 2013. That had been by far the longest term I’d had it on, as I had just figured out how to adjust the fitting to accommodate hygiene and my high-and-tight balls. Then my health went south and life kept happening hard and fast.

So having it comfortable and on again is a big deal. Comfortable or, at least, not the bad kind of uncomfortable. You know what I mean.

 

Orgasm control: Our next steps

Today is day 22 since my last orgasm, which at the time triggered a three-week “sentence” of denial. This morning, we had a long conversation about keeping me in a state of ‘want’ without relying solely on denial–which is the most reliable way to keep me wanting an orgasm, but, among other concerns, can take the day-to-day control away from Jalan. Neither of us wants a situation in which she doesn’t stick to her word.

The thrust (ha!) is that orgasm control of any kind isn’t much fun for either of us unless I am aware of it as continuously as possible. And that usually is going to mean wanting to come. So we both want me to feel any deprivation or other loss of control.

Jalan told me today what we’re going to do this week and see how well it meets her goals as an ongoing plan.

In the morning, before she goes to work, she’ll write on my cock, with a Sharpie or some such. (Presumably this means I’ll start showering early, too, instead of waiting until she’s headed out.) Sometime during the day, she’ll communicate to me whether she wants the writing pristine, smudged (for example, by edging myself), or washed away by cum when she gets home. Since I’m always naked when she comes home from work, as part of our new rituals, that will also be time for inspection.

So I’ll be thinking about her control of my orgasms at least three times per day, and likely quite a few more between her leaving and her sending me the directions. And I have no assurance at all that I’ll get to come this week, until and unless I get the last of those messages.

This meets a lot of the same needs for me as “declared” denial: I know she’s actively controlling my orgasms every day, without the feeling (that neither of us likes) that there’s some default status where I get lucky if she wants me to, but it’s not necessarily on either of our minds any given day. On her side, it keeps the control right where she wants it–in her hands at all times–and keeps me keenly aware of that control and that I am at her mercy.

Then there was teasing.

 

Photoset from the last post

I posted some photos to Tumblr from the scene I talked about last time.

Need I say NSFW? Doubtful.

 

State of the dragon: D/s, SM, & denial, oh my!

We played last night.

Heavier play, probably, than since 2012.

Since I’ve been sick (from early 2013), there’s been a sense of fragility, as well as a general sense of ‘survival mode.’ Even as my health has more or less stabilized, I was on anti-platelet meds for a year, until late July, so impact play wasn’t particularly safe.

The overall fragility has also left our level of D/s subdued. Jalan doesn’t want to command me to do something, only for me to “not be up to it,” or suffer for a day or three afterward due to the stress, however welcome in the moment, aggravating the CFS. That, and survival mode: what’s happening, what’s going to happen next, am I going to get better, etc, the move, her starting a job, and so on.

We’ve still been very clearly a D/s, O/p couple, but it’s been more in terms of structures, frameworks, standing rules, and so on. Jalan’s felt little room to assert herself in the moment, for reasons in the previous paragraph, and we both miss it. Play’s also been lessened, other than bondage, sometimes with sex and/or teasing.

Over recent weeks, we’ve been discussing this and what we want to do about it, both of us offering ideas, concerns, needs and wants. One of the critical things we agreed to is that the CFS won’t stop us/her. If I’m having a particularly bad day, I’ll make sure she knows. But she also knows my schedule in detail and, at any given time, what I’ll need to be in shape for in the next couple of days. And when she asserts herself, that’s it — no rebuff.

One of the other things we’ve discussed is a ritual “giving over,” especially now that she’s working most of the daytimes and we have even less opportunity for in-the-moment connection. We’ve also discussed the fact that this will likely to trigger anxiety attacks in me, at least the first few times. Her alerting me to something coming up tends to. But it’s important to me to push through that stage.

Finally, we talked a couple of weeks ago about my needing more explicit orgasm denial and/or use of the chastity belt.

Last night, Jalan acted on these things.

Spoiler: I’m fatigued today

This was an important taking back.

She ordered me to gather up certain things, including her crop and our dildo-harness gag, and to put my wrist and ankle cuffs on. Then there was, for us, fairly heavy play. I’ve got hickeys, deep scratches, bite marks, and crop marks. Her feet were well kissed, and her toes well sucked, which we (mostly she) are just recently getting into. There were some new things, including a bit of something like four-legged pony, which we’d not discussed or explored before. Not carrying her anywhere–that would be beyond me–but her straddling my back and using the crop while I’m on all fours. There was gag-harness sex aplenty.

Then she had me fetch the big spreader bars and the mindfold for a new “game.” I was spread-eagled with the spreaders anchored to the bed. She would stroke me. If I came within an hour (this is after a week of denial and teasing, mind), there would be another two weeks of denial. What would happen if I “won” was left unstated.

So we talked while she masturbated me. We discussed my strategy. We discussed my disadvantage (one of many) in not being able to see a clock. We discussed whether I would play to win or play to lose, and some of the contingencies involved. We talked about what winning might involve, or what I might want it to. Then she upped the level by introducing new rules, which is always a major turn-on for me. This week is a trial of something edging past dominant/owner to disciplinarian/mistress. On her work mornings, I wake her with oral–something she loves, but I’m still cautious of (long-standing reasons). When she returns from work, she calls or texts me (timing varies) so that I can be naked, in cuffs, kneeling face on the floor, and holding out her crop. When she comes home, she is “Mistress,” (vs. “Ma’am”) until I’m released from the protocol. That last was my suggestion. Then came the silicone lube in quantity and I was a goner.

31 minutes. Oh, and meanwhile, the stakes had been raised to three weeks with plans for a regimen of teasing, not just spontaneous and occasional.

We don’t invest a lot in labels, except for the importance of “pet” to me. We use them as metaphors that carry certain symbolism to us, and may convey something reasonably accurate to most others. But whatever you call it, it’s deepening.

This is good.

I’m highly fatigued today. And that, too, is good.

ETA: I should note for my chastity-focused readers that three weeks is a long time for us–the longest to date was 27 days. And there were no promises made about what happens at the end of those three weeks.

 

 

Missing masturbation (a good thing)

Most of the time since Jalan and I have been together, I have had a weekly quota for masturbating. Most often, exactly three. If it was a period of orgasm denial, then I still had to edge myself those three times. Under some versions, I could substitute solo anal play during a period of denial.

Last July, I asked that the quota be lifted. I was so scared, anxious, and tired with the health issues that it was demoralizing when I couldn’t get up (so to speak) the will to masturbate. Since then, the rule has been “Do as you’re told.” A handful (sorry) of times since then, she’s directed me to masturbate to orgasm. Maybe 5 or 6 times in the last 11 months.

Even when I was feeling more myself (can’t help it), though, the reconditioning had got to the point where I wasn’t even missing it / wishing for it. Which is not the goal of orgasm control in our relationship.

I’m happy to report, and Jalan is happy to hear, that I’m once again, over the last several weeks, wishing I were allowed to masturbate. I’m often waking up holding myself. Not that the rules have changed . . .

Yay, libido!

 

Coming off of two months of denial

Tuesday night ended what was by far the longest period of orgasm denial Jalan has yet subjected me to. My last ejaculation had been on September 22, and my last non-ruined orgasm on September 4.

As she rode me while I was chained to the bed, at the end of a rip-roaring play session, I whispered, “Getting close, Ma’am.” I’m not ordinarily required to request permission to orgasm, or even necessarily warn her, though she prefers that I do the latter. In the past two months, she’d gone from that cue to stopping before I could climax. This time she kept right on, and within three seconds, it was a great night.

One of the cues she uses on our chastity/denial play is my randiness. It’s not rare for me to go into an almost asexual mode after a certain period. How long that period is depends on many things — whether I’m belted or simply denied; how much teasing and edging she does (or has me do); how I’m feeling overall — but at some point my libido gives up. When we’re actually touching and teasing, I get hornier than ever, but otherwise it’s mostly quiescent.

When this happens, it gets to be less fun for either of us. She might use her ways of ramping it up again, or might let me come, or might do neither and just leave me hanging (so to speak) with no idea what will happen next or when.

That last plays a role because Jalan’s keeping her play and sex plans for us almost wholly unpredictable is a key part of how we go about it. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

More of what I wished for: Sex and denial

As I’ve noted, the new rules include offering to get Jalan off when I wake her in the morning. More often than not, it’s by fingering her. I have good hands, and that keeps my cock uninvolved (beyond, usually, some teasing fondling).

Earlier this week, I had hurt my back on the side with my dominant hand (mostly better now). So when I made the offer the other morning, Jalan declared that she wanted to fuck me. “Yes, Ma’am.”

She rolled me onto my back, lubed us both up, and climbed right on. Taking advantage of her knowledge of what different angles stimulate me, as well as the fact that I’m usually slower to orgasm than she is, she had no difficulty getting an O or two for herself without letting me come too close.

That will get, er, harder as the denial period goes on, but it’s working well for her now!

43 days since a non-ruined orgasm, 27 since any ejaculation. She loves me.

 

Getting what I wished for: Tease/denial report

I hadn’t realized that I hadn’t updated here since reporting on my e-mailed wish.

Jalan never directly answered the request. Her only comment was a day or two later, a murmured, “So, denial, huh?” in bed. But she was clearly paying attention.

My last non-ruined orgasm was September 4, almost 6 weeks ago. My last ejaculation of any kind was September 20, over 3 weeks ago, that I wrote up at the time. For scaling reference, the longest she’s denied me (to date) was 4 weeks, back around February this year. For about 3 weeks of that, I was in my chastity belt, which actually makes it much easier to take.

Since then, more often than not at night before I sleep, and sometimes during the day, she’s gone out of her way to fondle and tease me before expressing her hope that I sleep well. There have also been some rule updates. Among other things, the ruleset on masturbation went from something rather complicated to, “Do as you’re told.” And the rules on how to wake her included the addition, “You will ask me each morning if I would like for you to get me off.” As we both remark in this context, my denial is not her denial.

So two noteworthy episodes since the last entry.

About a week ago, she suggested some casual bondage when we were at loose ends (NPI) for the evening. “Casual” does not necessarily mean “lax,” and almost never means “escapable.” So she chained me to the bed rather thoroughly, added a hood at my request, and let me simmer. The reason I bring this one up here is that she quite deliberately left my hands at my waist, with enough slack in the chain to easily reach my cock. Had I been allowed. She also took the occasion to mention this, in case I’d missed the point. Ha.

Two days ago, Jalan upped the ante. I went to shower in the afternoon before we prepared dinner (it was a lazy day). She directed me to put my leather wrist cuffs on afterward. Of course I did, after dressing, then came out and presented her two padlocks for them. Not much more was said until we were planning dinner and discussing the timing of my part, when she observed, “You’re wearing those cuffs for a reason.”

Once dinner was on, and she confirmed that there was a good 15-20 minutes before it needed tending, she led me to the bedroom and had me clasp my hands behind my back. She then pulled a third padlock from her pocket and linked my cuffs (we don’t do them that closely often, because I’m a big, middle-aged man with broad shoulders, and it’s pretty challenging). She then had me stand back against the bed and sit on the edge, then pushed me onto my back.

Then she unzipped my pants and expertly started orally teasing me (something else we don’t do often because I don’t come easily from oral, but I think that was rather the point this time). I’m under standing direction to let her know, if possible, when I’m near the edge, but it wasn’t necessary this time. After 3 (or 6) weeks of denial, she could easily read my responses and knew when to slow before resuming. After a while of edging me — I kind of lose track of time in such circumstances — she tucked my cock back in my briefs, zipped me up, helped me up, and unlocked me, then moved as if nothing had happened. I asked if it was dinnertime, and she replied, “That’s next on the agenda, yes.”

Getting what I wished for, and loving her for it. Even if my shoulders did ache yesterday.

 

 

 

 

 

Not being careful what I wish for

I just sent this e-mail to Jalan, while she’s out for the day. Goodness, the thing we do to/for ourselves.

Ma’am,

I believe my last non-ruined orgasm was Sep 4, 3 and a half weeks ago.

I would dearly love to have that stretch on for a good while, by whatever approach or combination you enjoy, whether you choose to tell me it will or simply let me wonder.

I don’t particularly expect an answer to this e-mail :).

Love,
Yr,t,lpd

 

Chastity postponed

sigh

I came to an unpleasant realization yesterday, with which Jalan reluctantly agreed when I brought it up.

I am on powerful anti-platelet (i.e., blood-thinning, anti-clotting) medication until next Summer.

As is not uncommon with men wearing (especially steel) chastity cages, sometimes a bar of the cage will divide the urethral opening when I’m semi-erect. Sitting on the toilet in this state can result in pinching.

Sometimes bleeding.

Now, penes have a remarkably profuse blood supply (duh). If that were to happen while I’m on the medication, it would get very unpleasant very quickly.

As I said, I brought up this concern, and Jalan agreed that the belt should be out of use for the next several months. She also commented that she’d just begun making plans for it again, having missed the “desperate me” recently.

Jalan did, however, graciously reassure me that there will be other tease/denial mechanisms in play . . .